I wasn't sure how I would react to having two littles. The thought of juggling a demanding baby and a busy toddler and keeping up with day to day duties seemed hard for me to wrap my brain around. But then it happened. I had two little boys under my care. And guess what? I found myself just doing it. It was kinda like not riding a bike for a long time and then hopping on one again and just riding, not thinking about 'how' to ride the bike but just feeling yourself go.
I had done the newborn thing before so it was just a game of keeping up with the toddler man while somehow feeding, changing, rocking another little man with not much thought on the logistics of how I'm exactly pulling this performance off, I just am...somehow.
I like it. I like having two kids, two little men. In fact, I think I love it. It's a great challenge and I feel like I've embraced a new level of motherhood like never before. I guess had to. I've learned to let go of a lot of things. Basically let go of having a clean house, clean clothes, squeaky clean kids, hair or makeup done...all those things tricky to be done with a crying baby and a non-stop toddler. But seriously, letting go of outrageous expectations for myself, letting go of trying to keep up with an impossible to do list, of trying to be on top of laundry at all times, of trying to work from home when there are no hours in the day to do so, of an unrealistic ideal of the cleanliness of my house, because of the demands of childrearing giving me no other choice, was actually quite liberating.
I could focus on what really counted, the kids. But wasn't always about the kids? Didn't I do all those house things for the kids to begin with? Maybe not as much as I'd like to think. I guess I got caught up thinking that if I could just keep my house clean I could feel satisfied, if I could just get all these things done then I wouldn't feel so stressed. But when I 'let go' I found myself so content with my little dudes with piles of laundry all around me. It was a great feeling. To have so much not done but be so happy still because I was just letting myself enjoy the moment was I awesome. It was such a relief to stop fighting to reach some elusive goal that would somehow make me feel accomplished.
I'm not saying keeping up with house work etc isn't important. Of course it has to be done otherwise the neglect of the task will eventually bring on other stresses but to let it override the sheer enjoyment of motherhood and the bliss of raising the little dude is not so cool.
I'm also learning that in the end, the greatest thing my kids need the is best me that I can give then. That means to optimally take care of them, I NEED to take care of myself. Make sure I'm taking breaks and eating well, staying positive about myself, etc. If both babies are sleeping and I'm deciding what to do with the time I have to remind myself, "Sariah, taking a nap might just be the most productive thing you can do right now so you can pull through the rest of the day without blowing up at anyone!" A nap can do wonders for EVERYONE. :D When I take care of myself I find that things don't stress me out as much, I have more perspective, and I can deal with things not being in place.
Its a tough chug being mommy, but one I'm finding more and more worth it and rewarding.
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